I've been in and out of some strange world. One second i'm plunging into an abyss of darkness, before i let myself take a good look around, explore my new surroundings i am whisked away somewhere else, where everything is clearer, but only temporary.
It's not depression, it's not really mood swings, because i don't show it. I guess i just have alot on my mind. Before i can fully think about something, before i can explore something in depth, something else pops up.
You could say i just have way too much on my mind right now.
The one thing that should be on my mind is studying, but somehow i lost it. I lost my drive, my motivation. I pick up my book, only to put it down. The routine i painstakingly made up for myself, the one i so carefully put together so i can make the best of my time, is blown apart. It's in shreds, i don't know where i am anymore.
I've been telling myself i should never blame anyone for anything, the only one i should point my finger to is to myself. It's never someone else's fault, it's always your own because you allowed yourself to be sucked in. You always have a choice.
It's funny how you think that you don't like something at first, but later on you turn to that thing. Like this blog, i didn't like the idea of it in the beginning, but now, when i can't even pen down whatever it is that's bothering me in my journal, i turn to this. My new comfort zone.
Everybody needs a security blanket.
Sometimes, i feel jealous of other people. When it comes right down to it, whenever i need to hear someone else's voice, whenever i need someone to hear me out or to cheer me up, i can only dial three numbers. And i haven't dialed two out of those three numbers in a long while.
One because of a sort of misunderstanding, but i'm perfectly fine with that person in person, the other is because i've mixed feelings, half the time i don't know whether i can trust the person or not, so it's pretty confusing. Then there's Dee Dee. She's the only one i can just pick up the phone and dial and she'll answer.
I envy people who can turn to so many people when in doubt or just feel like talking. I'm not suppose to have that luxury this year, i know, but like i said, i totally blew my routine apart. So i'll feel abit ... lonely? But then i'll think, that's the wrong word to use because i am not lonely, i just wish i'd the luxury of so many people to fall back onto.
I've never let people get too close. I don't like it. I feel violated. I need my space, lots of it. So i can never use the word lonely, because i choose it to be that way.And most of the time, the people i can fall back onto, well, they won't lean on me. I don't want to be the only one who needs. I'd rather give. Giving is always much better.
Then there's so many other things. I thrive on organisation, when things are out of control, i can't take it. I get headaches. I'm just so totally messed up these past few weeks. Go Begum, go. Push yourself. It's for your own good, no one else.
At the end of the day it's just you, and you alone. So why can't i just feel the push. Why can't i just go.
Grr.
*smile*
