Today, while on the bus to Zul's house, our last house for the day, i was thinking about love.
I know, it's pretty random, but that's exactly what i was thinking of.

See, i've been wanting to wrtie a love story. Nailul somehow got me into the idea of writing one. But how can i possibly write about something that is almost entirely foreign to me? I'm not talking about the love felt amongst family members and friends. But the intimate kind. The kind felt between a boy and a girl. Two individuals, not related to one another.

How does it feel to be in love? What does it mean to be in love? How do we recognise love? Does it slowly build up, blooming silently, hidden, waiting for the oportune moment ot reveal itself? Does it hit you like a ton of bricks, love at first sight? Or does it lurk in the depths of your heart, where you've continually suppressed it and denied it's presence?

I thought about how i felt towards the idea of being in love. I have never loved in that way before. I have been attracted. I have admired. But never have my feelings been shared, neither do i wish them to, in most cases. The sensible and logical side of me stepping in between the want for it, and the knowledge of the existance of boundaries.

So, i don't know what it's like to be in love.

I have mixed feelings about it really. In my mind, i picture love to be something special. Very, extremely so. I picture it to be shy, and full of uncertainty and hope. The unsureness of every decision made, the quiet, shy blush of every caring word exchanged. Yet it's something you can depend on, strong and protective. You can lean on it, and it won't let you fall down.

I get confused when it comes to the whole idea of romanticism, and courtship. I am also unsure of how to react to something overly sweet, like the kind love portrayed on movie screens. No matter how unrealistic, tacky, lame, corny, or whatever other words you can come up with, they somehow make your insides tingle and feel warm, and you find the corners of your mouth lift up, ever so slightly. And you secretly wish something like that would happen to you.

I like to think i'm above all that. For some reason, i do. But the truth is, that i'm just another girl, whose insides melts when it comes to things like that. And though i don't quite like it, because it's in my nature to dislike being associated in any manner to behaviours that i don't like, and to be grouped together with other people, because i am me and i hate to be said as similar to other people . . . it's true, i guess.

But what about those who say love is about hurting, and feeling hurt. It's about sacrifice, and feeling unhappy. I know for a fact it can be bitter. It burns with a flame so hot and fiery, you will either burn with passion, or scream in pain, as the red flames lick your body.

It's both healing and hurting. It enbalms your wounds, and also tears it wide open.

It's very deceiving, it can fool you into thinking things you've never thought of before, or evoke thoughts and ideas you've never entertained before. Love makes you go crazy, it makes you do crazy things. I know that to be true, though i myself cannot explain that sentence fully.

So what is it really? What is it exactly? Even after all this ranting and prattling, i cannot come to a definite answer. Probably because, there is none. Love is not just one thing. It does not have but one face, it has many. It's appearance and meaning can be likened to the surface of a diamond. A jewel, in any case, whose surface has many facets. And just like that, love too houses many personalities.

It's everything i've said, and everything i've not. It's a very complicated feeling isn't it? Emotions are like that, complicated and complex. But love, i think love is the most mysterious of them all.
So have i somehow cleared my thoughts about the said emotion?

The answer is no, not really. I realise that after writing all this, i still am just as confused about it as i was when i began. But this helped, a lot. So maybe not JUST as confused. But there still is no clear answer about the enigma that is love.

How am i ever going to write that story? I don't know. But for now, i'm pretty glad really. I expressed my thoughts about it, so that's good.

Love. Love. Love, love, love.

You are so o o o o o annoying. Taking up that much space in my mind, in my thoughts, you really are something, you know that. Haha, thank goodness i haven't fallen prey to your deceiving, fickle-minded claws yet. Thank goodness. Let's delay that inevitable meet now, shall we?

But don't avoid me forever, even i have to admit, i do want to get to know you in the future. Someday, one day, when i just might guage the enornimity ( is there such a word ) of your existance. haha.

Till then, continue to unravel the meaning behing that one, life-changing word in my mind, because i need ideas and plotlines for my story. And i can't do that if i don't know anything at all about you.

Right-o. 1.24 am. Fruits basket episode 23 loaded. Goodnight, dear world. Oyasumi, ja~